Cataclysmic Humanity (1-5)

Cataclysmic Humanity (1-5)

AELGP

Twilight

Summary: Cullen's Corp has the goods on everyone and the head honcho Carlisle is not afraid to use it. Bella has just graduated the FBI and is thrown into undercover work as a high in Escort to woo Edward, Carlisle's son. Will she succeed or will her caring nature ruin everything?

Rated: M

 

Chapter 1

Okay, first thing I’m going to say is to consider your sentences. Your prologue is sentence, sentence, sentence, sentence. It seems very choppy to me. Then again, I’m wondering if you did that on purpose to try to build up the tension. I’m eager to read on, so that’s a plus.

Second, punctuation. Your sentences just go on and on. You don’t use any punctuation aside from periods, but you should be using commas as well.

I like your story so far, but I definitely see more potential from you as a writer. I can tell that you put your all into this, but I feel like you hold back a little bit. Push beyond your limits, even if it seems silly.

Commas! This is a good start.

I like that Charlie had such a huge dream for Bella, and I dig her confusion in all of this. It really sets up for a great storyline.

Here comes the backstory. I’m glad you worked it into the first chapter so that your readers can understand what’s going on. I like even more that we’re left with a question that is answered directly after it’s placed in our head. Good job.

I’m so ready to read about Bella taking these people down! I don’t think I’ve seen a story like this yet!

Bella’s got quite the mouth on her, doesn’t she?

This story is interesting so far. I’m anxious to find out how it plays out.

Chapter 2

Two weeks to train as an escort? Girl better get busy if you know what I mean ;)

Edward sounds cocky. I love it!

Bella got out of the escort position quickly, didn’t she?

I think it’s really gross she was mildly attracted to some 50 year old guy, but I’m sure the purpose of that exercise was to teach her something to make her better at playing her character in this assignment.

This has been an interesting chapter. It seems kind of like a filler, a moment to catch your breath before you jump into the action, but it does the trick and makes me want to find out what happens with Bella out in that dress.

Chapter 3

I’m terrible in heels, too, but I wear them more than I should. I love how they make my legs look!

Let’s see how well this outfit works for her.

Is this Jasper we’re talking about?

It’s so funny to me that Bella is getting tips from an older man when you’d think a 20 something year old would have it all figured out by now.

Way to go, Bella!

Holy shit, Edward’s the blonde?! No way!!

This has just gotten twice as interesting.

Chapter 4

First she wanted out of the assignment, now she’s worried she’ll be kicked off the assignment? I’m a little confused.

I personally think that Bella did a nice job. She did what they were going to have her do in the first place, just not the way they wanted her to. Plus, without her knowing who he is she could better attract him without the nerves getting the best of her. I just see Bella as someone who would be very nervous in her first undercover assignment.

Your writing has improved quite a bit from the first two chapters. I’m impressed. I can see that you take ConCrit and do something with it rather than blow it off. Props to you.

Whoa, take it easy Bella. Don’t get too far ahead of yourself there, girl.

NO, BELLA! THEY TOLD YOU NOT TO LET HIM KNOW WHERE YOU LIVED!

Okay, good. I almost had a heart attack there.

I can’t believe she’s having lunch with Edward Cullen! What would the director say??

Careful, Bella!

Crap! That’s super creepy that he knows where she lives! This can’t be good!

Chapter 5

The director is going to kill you, Bella.

Bella, don’t invite him in! What about the files you were looking at? What if you get caught? You’re going to get killed!

I don’t see this ending well. If I could read with my eyes closed, I most definitely would be doing so.

ISABELLA SWAN! GET THAT MAN OUT OF YOUR APARMENT BEFORE YOU SCREW EVERYTHING UP!

And here comes the punishment for such stupid actions.

Well, I guess there’s no punishment, but she better be careful or she’s not going to be on this case much longer, she’ll lose Edward and probably die.

 

So far I’m really impressed. I like your story, your writing has improved and I can’t wait to see what happens next!